A Chat with Dad

This was originally posted on November 4th, 2009 and was lost in the massive Nibble Nuke with 5 other posts. Luckily, I had printed hard copies of those 5 posts or they well would have been gone forever. I have re-typed this from the original hard copy since many of you have asked, and we well knowing that it might help other lads who are struggling whether to tell a parent or not.

The day started well awkward. Christopher hurried on the tram and sat next to me, squeezing into me. Charles walked right by and sat a few seats back, even though there was room next to Chris. I asked Christopher what was wrong, and he said Charles well hated him. I asked why, but Chris said he didn’t know. When we got off the tram, Charles held back, and Chris and I walked in to school together, running into Ben. I told Ben to have a chat with Christopher about the bed wetting thing, and so he walked with Chris and I held back to confront Charles.

Charles tried to ignore me, but I grabbed his arm and made him stop. I stared into his eyes and asked what the bloody hell was the problem! He’d been ignoring everyone for the past day, and now he was being an outright twat! I tried to reason with him and asked him what was buggering him, but he just said, “Nothing!”, and started to walk away. I grabbed his arm again and spun him around, looking him square in the eyes and told him he was jeopardizing a lot of friendships by acting this way, and that we well needed to talk and get things sorted out. First chimes sounded, but I held him there. I told him to not be so selfish, explaining that he well might have hurt Christopher, if Chris really did have an embarrassing problem.

“He does,” Ben said, walking up to us. He said he had a little chat with Christopher, and he does indeed have a bed-wetting problem, “Just like I used to have,” Ben added, causing Charles to look wide-eyed at Ben. Then Ben walked up to Charles and looked him straight in the eyes, pointing without touching. Charles’ eyes were beginning to brim with tears as Ben said, “You, Charles, are the one with the problem. If you can’t accept others with faults, then that is your problem, and until you offer an apology to Christopher, as well as Amar and me and any others you have avoided since yesterday, you will not be on my good chum’s list anymore.

The tears were rolling down Charles’ cheeks as he looked at me, and then back at Ben before running off. I looked at Ben and asked him if that was a bit harsh. Ben just said, “Amar! If you had a bed wetting problem and someone made fun of you, how would you feel?” I knew Ben was right and that I would feel well awful without an understanding apology.

Ben and I had another chat about Charles after lunch in Study Chamber 1. We noticed that he wasn’t in morning classes, or at lunch, and Ben said he was starting to feel a bit bad for being so harsh on Charles, but he added, “Someone had to make him realize he hurt another person’s feelings! By making fun of Christopher’s problem, which could hurt him getting over wetting the bed.” I asked Ben what we should do. He said we should just wait to see if Charles thinks about things and comes around to well realize his mistake. He also said we should apologize to Charles as well. My Ben, the psychologist.

Erik was down to one crutch! He said he could put a little bit of weight on his sprained ankle and blamed the improvement on my kisses on his toes and ankle and mouth and. . . He had another perfect score on his maths problems! And I helped him again to his dorm room and got him into his sweat pants. I gave him a quick kiss as chimes sounded.

Ben and I tried calling Charles after school to apologize to him, but his Mum said he wasn’t taking our calls.

And then the shocker of the day – well not really – but kind of, after all this day has been so far. . .

Before dinner, dad knocked on my door as I was finishing my Sciences studies. He wondered if I had made a decision as to when I wanted to “be a boarder” for a few days. We sat on my bed and I asked him to help me think of the best days, and I would ask the Dean Master, since he said I could do it any time before holiday in December. Dad said maybe the middle of next week, and I figured that would probably be well fine.

He asked if I had asked Ben to be my roommate, and I jumped on that question with excitement and said, “Yes! I’d already asked my best chum in the world, and I’d just die if his Mum and dad wouldn’t let him!! They well haven’t decided yet and Ben and I are well beside ourselves . . .” But then I stopped, thinking I just realized what dad might be getting to. He looked at me and smiled, giving me a real nice hug. Then he said, “Amar? You fancy Ben more than just a best chum, don’t you.” I lowered my head, kind of embarrassed, but felt the tears brim in my eyes as I nodded and he put his strong arm around my shoulder and hugged me into him.

He said, “It’s not what others think of you, or what you want to be, Amar. It’s more important to know who you are right here.” He tapped my chest over my heart. “Your Mum and I love you so much. Where ever you are going, or whatever you become – we will be so proud of you – because we love you. We’re proud of you now and always will be, no matter what. You’re still young, and have many challenges ahead of you. You’ll make some good choices and a few bad choices, but you will learn from all of them. If this is just a phase you are going through and you out grow it? Fine, but if you choose this, your Mum and I will accept you no matter what.” He kissed my cheek, telling me he loved me so very much.

I think I cried for 10 minutes or more as dad hugged me into him, stroking my hair to try and calm my sobs. It was well strange, like a big weight was lifted off me. I told him I didn’t know I was this way until I was 11 and started having different feeling toward other lads. I told him how much I loved Ben and how he was like a big brother to me and so much more! He was my counselor, my chum, my mentor, my caring person! I also said how Erik was the other best thing that came into my life as a little brother, how it felt so grand how he looked up to me and how wonderful it felt mentoring him. I told dad I was sorry for the way I was and hoped it wasn’t a disappointment to him and Mum.

Dad told me not to worry myself and took my face in his hands and looked at me, kissing my forehead. “Amar, Amar, Amar. . . I love you. Your Mum loves you. You are a good, caring person with a well big heart! Now and even later in life, although we may not have grandchildren, we will always accept you for WHO YOU ARE.” I looked at dad and hugged him, kissing him, saying, “Maybe Ben and me could adopt so you could be a granddad.” He grabbed my shoulders and looked at me with wide eyes. “You’ve only just turned 14, Amar. Don’t be thinking like that. It would well upset your Mum. You have to also think, as you get older and move on in life, if Ben is going to be there when you’re 16? 18? 21?”

I said, “Well sure! We’re best chums forever!” But then I thought about it a minute, and started to worry. I don’t think I could live without Ben in my life.

Dad hugged me into him as I felt the tears start to flow again. . .

7 Responses to A Chat with Dad

  1. fb says:

    Amar,

    I haven’t responded for a while though I am still reading and enjoying your reports from the front line, as it were. I think this report came along just before I started reading, so its good to see it posted ( I think I started in December 2009). Your dad is a great man, for accepting you as you, and loving you as you, as all dad’s should, and I think, really, most do (and your mum too, of course). Sure we hear about the ones that don’t and that is horribly tragic, but look at those stats again. If we’re really one in ten, and experience suggests we are, then the tragedies are far fewer than we might expect from reading the headlines. Yes, each one lost is to be mourned, but really we are, as you might suspect, not a lot different from other folk. And like other folk we have good times and bad. In western Europe we are pretty integrated now, not in all places and at all times, but, mostly, life is good; and the rest of the world will follow.

    So your blog shows normal life for one boy and his friends, and this is good.

    Ridiculously optimistic, maybe, but is your dad so unusual? Ben’s parents must know something, as must the parents of some of your chums, they usually do…

    Anyway, thanks for re-posting, this must help other kids where things are not so good. You are a great guy, and the best love of us all goes to you, Ben, Erik and Parker and all the rest of your (and our?) chums, who seem, in a way, to be our extended family.

    All my very best,

    fb

    AMAR SAYS: Thank you, fb. Actually, Ben has also come out to his family. It was shortly after my coming out. I might try to look those posts up and repost them as well. ;)

  2. carlitos says:

    Hello Amar,
    It was just as enjoyable to read your post as it was when you first posted it.
    I think it was a good idea for you to post it again for those who were not yet following you then, as well as for those who may be working through their own sexual identity.
    You have so many admirers, Amar, including those of us out here in cyberspace who
    will never meet you face to face. Blessings on you.
    –carlitos

    AMAR SAYS: Thank you. ;)

  3. jesse says:

    This was lovely how instinctive and understanding your dad was. Unfortunately not everyone’s parents are so instinctive. It was well interesting to listen how calm and relaxing the conversation came to be about. I wish it were so easy to tell my parents but when the time is right and I’m ready i will.

    I would love to hear about Ben’s story and the way his parents handled it. I feel certain that with as strong the bond is between the two of you that everyone was very understanding and supportive.

    I enjoy reading your blogs daily and sometimes, look forward to reading them. With the time difference sometimes i can read them before i get home from school.

    my best,

    Jesse

    AMAR SAYS: Thank you, Jesse. I will work on digging up that post when Ben comes out, and will put it in a similar post sometime in the future. :)

  4. Evan says:

    @ fb and Jesse

    The post when Ben told his parents is actually in the archives, as it happened after the big nuke. I went back to check, and the date of the post is November 22, 2009. I believe that the posts from the few days before that discuss how Ben prepared for the moment. It is greatly worth reading, especially in contrast with Amar’s experience.

    Amar, I’ve already thanked you for re-posting this, but thanks one more time.

    Hugs,
    Evan

    AMAR SAYS: Thank you for looking back and finding that, Evan. It saves me a bit of time since I am so busy lately. Hugs! ;)

  5. Russ says:

    Hello, I’ve read your blog for the first time and I started to tear ,my eyes were red and couldn’t stop thinking of my time I was sure in the 6th grade (12 yrs.old) and wasn’t sure who I was . This secret took so long and many years went by to tell my parents who I was really which made me sad,angry and confused because here in the states some people bring you up to like girls and visa-versa. Thinking about it now I wasted my years hiding who I am and being an outcast and was depressing. When I told my parents and I was beating arond the bush at first and I didn’ come straight out and say it but when I did I was crying and they also had an idea that I was different. This was just like you said in your post when it felt a load was off my shoulders and everything is cool with my parents almost as nothing has changed except my preference to guys. I want to know what you did next or who you told and how long did it take. This is a hard part of my life right know and I would love your info. Thank you and I will be reading alot you seem true to me,hope everything is well and talk to you soon.
    Thanks,
    Russell

    AMAR SAYS: That is hard to really say, Russell. I didn’t really “tell” a whole bunch of my chums all at once. I did it more when I felt it was the right time and when I felt they would understand the best at who I am.

  6. Russell says:

    Thank you Amar for your time to post some of your posts that I have been wnting to read ,and wish it was easier to post your past blogs,makes it like something to loolook forward to and you do alot of that too! I thank you very much and look foward to your well great times and moments with your friends. I also ask for your input to my being out and alone. You have helped me with problems,questions,and also Stevo has so thank you both. Russ

    AMAR SAYS: ;)

  7. Wow Amar I’m in tears right now. While reading this it has touched my heart hearing and feeling emotions from you. I love hearing stories like yours, but yours is the best. When I read this it has brought something to me to see that you’re only about 15-years-old and you had came out. There’s a future ahead of you and don’t let anyone put you down. I know children your age that had given up and they had been gay ever-since the young age of 11. It’s okay to be gay, bi, Etc. don’t let anyone bully you or judge you stand up and fight. I’m kinda bi, but not gay but I used to be gay when I was 12-years-old my first boyfriend and I dated. It’s hard to explain but I accept myself but my parents don’t know that I’m bi but my dad feels that I’m gay but he said whatever I am he’ll still love me and accept. I always liked boys more but I still like girls. At this moment we all need to love one another like Jesus said to. Amar I am a singer-songwriter, poet, writer, missionary and I enjoy inspiring people worldwide and I hope you and Ben making it through together and do better. I would love to connect with you and him more on Twitter and Facebook. Please reply and contact me. Hopefully we can meet one day and I can interview you and hear more of your stories. I love you and God bless you. PS: Love One Another. Here’s a poem that I wrote: http://is.gd/chrismcknight

    AMAR SAYS: Thank you. Ben is not on Twitter though, just me.